if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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