My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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