Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
