I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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