Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
