I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
