Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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