He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
