I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
