all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
