better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
