My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
