She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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