Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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