New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Small penises have feelings too.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Randomize
