Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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