Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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