and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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