He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
