Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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