Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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