he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
