Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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