Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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