he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
