remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
