I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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