I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
