I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
