I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
MIDGETS
????
Randomize
