Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
