You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
