it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
