Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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