Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I am available for nakedness
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
