I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
