Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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