dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
