I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
