I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
