So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
