ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Who died my cat blue again?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
