If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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