I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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