Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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