I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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