This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
