Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
