I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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