You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The power of my boobs compel you
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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