you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
