I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
