The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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