omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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