Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I have fence marks all over my body
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
