fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
