I CAN MOONWALK!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
